How the Chinese are supplied with fresh air in smog

The Indians have had a powerful industry for a long time, but unfortunately also a very big problem: The air is thicker than molasses, and this smog is so bad that the people in Delhi have bad breathing problems and are getting sick by the dozen.

It is just as bad for the Chinese, they also have a flourishing economy that even makes Americans green with envy, but unfortunately, no more air to breathe. Chinese air can literally be cut into strips and sold as chewing gum (which is what the Chinese have probably been doing for a while now).

Even in the countryside, Chinese air is still much more poisonous than, for example, in Birmingham, the city with the worst air in Britain.

Let’s stay in Great Britain. There is a family living there who, according to their own statement, has real compassion for the poor Chinese. These good people – Lester Hatchinson* (27), his mother Marylou (47), and sister Priscilla (24) – live in a town in Western England and have developed a great business idea in the face of the exhausted people in China. They “harvest” the West English country air with large plastic bags and fill them into jars, which are then hermetically sealed. The Hatchinsons then sell these jars with the delicious fresh English country air to the Chinese. For 80 Pounds per glass, which are about 100 Euro.

This story went through the media like wildfire, so we interviewed the Hatchinson family. They admitted that they actually don’t even live in this western English town, but in Birmingham.

We asked: „And you drive over 200 kilometers to the countryside every day to harvest fresh air?”. The family began to hem and haw and finally said: „Well, we went to the countryside at the beginning, but the fuel costs were reducing the profit considerably. And we can mail out more glasses if we stay in Birmingham“, Lester said embarrassed. But this still wouldn’t be fraud because they would receive the glasses from a company in Swiss, already hermetically sealed.

Marylou explained that the Swiss air is known to be very clean and fresh and that the Chinese buyers will not be able to tell the difference. The Hatchinson family prudently doesn’t open the glasses with the healthy Swiss air but sends them directly to China so that the disgusting smog in Birmingham cannot contaminate the air in the glasses.

In order to comply with our obligation to exercise journalistic diligence, we asked the Swiss company whether the air in the glasses actually comes from the Swiss mountains. The spokesman was very friendly and said: „We obtain the glasses from an Indian company who claims to manufacture the glasses in Nepal, where the air is supposedly even better than in Swiss or West England.”

The CEO of the Indian company gave us the phone number of their Nepalese business partner, who told us that they had not been producing the glasses themselves for years, but that they were getting the glasses already hermetically sealed from abroad. So we asked: „And where are the glasses made now?”. The man giggled: „Well, in China, of course, it’s ridiculously cheap…!”.

*All names changed

This glass contains the purest air from Bad-Cannstatt certified by experts. The Mayor of Stuttgart, Fritz Kuhn, will not miss the opportunity to sniff on every single glass before it is exported to China for 280 Euro…

Why art only becomes invaluable through the cleaning lady

The cleaning lady is not only some ordinary chick who cleans up our mess. Principally, any ordinary welfare recipient could do this as a 1 Euro job. No, the cleaning lady is enlightened with creativity, the art of the modern world would still stagnate on a stone-age level without her.

For example, the German artist Romana Menze-Kuhn was fortunate enough to benefit from the superior expertise of one of those gifted art enhancers. Menze-Kuhn could exhibit her beautiful artwork ‚Behausung 6/2016’ at the Philippus church in Mannheim, directly in front of the altar. Her work mainly consisted of crumpled up gold-colored rescue foil from a first aid box, which was impressively draped around a few wooden pallets so that it formed some kind of hut. In front of this hut the gifted artist placed casually, not to say quite loosely,  some more crumpled up scraps of the decorative foil.” The whole thing symbolized a refugee accommodation with refugees standing in front of it. Menze-Kuhn wanted to express how little effort is needed to help people seeking protection.

However, without this explanation, the artwork rather reminded of Christmas trash. Namely, the pile of sparkling gift wrap after a large family unwrapped their presents. And that is how it came that the dutiful cleaning lady summarily threw the refugees into the trash while cleaning the church.

When the priestess wanted to present the great work of art to her congregation at Sunday’s church service, the only thing left were its sad remains in the form of a hut. After all, the present artist stayed calm and immediately had the idea to integrate the new situation in her artwork. She took the trashcan along with the thrown-out foil into the church and put it next to the remains of her artwork. The work of art improved by the cleaning lady could be viewed for another two weeks, then the rest was thrown in the trash as well.

In Dortmund, another cleaning lady also managed to improve an 800,000 Euro piece of art. Artist Martin Kippenberg, who is known for his uncompromising creativity, had given his work the impressive name „Wenn’s anfängt durch die Decke zu tropfen (When it starts dripping through the roof).” Kippenberger has been dead for many years, but his work lived on and was borrowed from its owner for an exhibition. The work consisted of a collection of artfully piled up wooden slats with a black rubber tub underneath showing a distinct lime stain.

However, the adept cleaning lady exposed the tub as trash and threw it out. This means that the artwork, reduced to its essentials, is probably twice as valuable and we advise the owner to pay the cleaning lady a part of the added value as a reward.

The famous artist Joseph Beuys also profited from the genius of his cleaning lady. Namely with his famous work „Fett-Ecke” (Greasy Corner). According to the plan of the artists, the grease applied in the corner was supposed to change its color and consistency over time and symbolize that everything changes – including humans – and eventually disappears altogether. But the cleaning lady didn’t want to wait that long – she scrubbed away the greasy spot as soon as she saw it.

Die Badewanne (The Bathtub) by Joseph Beuys is even more famous. The artist had completely covered that dirty thing with leucoplast. Probably so he would no longer have to see the dirt. This wonderful artwork was to be exhibited as part of a touring exhibition at the Morsebroich Castle in Leverkusen and was already stored there a few days before the exhibition.

In the meantime, the SPD Leverkusen Association held a grand party at the castle, and the two SPD members Hilde Müller and Marianne Klein proved that not only cleaning ladies were gifted art enhancers. The two wanted to wash the glasses after having a few drinks. They absolutely needed a container to do so.

Of course, the two girls found the plastered bathtub and suddenly felt their artistic urge crawling up their guts and into their creative brains. They pulled off the leucoplast, rinsed out the tub until it sparkled of cleanliness, and then they washed their glasses in it.

Unfortunately, neither the tub-owning art collector nor various judges had any knowledge of art, so the city of Wuppertal – as the borrower of the refined tub – had to pay the owner 56,000 DMark as compensation. No good deed goes unpunished…

Action art sometimes begs for the cleaning lady

„Is that art, or trash?”

Some artists literally merge into their art…

The rocky path to the professional selfie

It had fundamentally changed the world when a resourceful mobile phone manufacturer in the desperate fight for market shares came up with the idea of installing a front camera in his mobile phone. As far as the eye can see, otherwise right-minded people flock together everywhere to take photos with a collective and totally stupid grin on their faces. No clique manages to spare itself, even complete strangers blatantly grin into the camera as soon as someone pulls out his mobile phone – sometimes even without any influence of alcohol or drugs.

In reality, however, the selfie is a tremendous achievement that is unfortunately still not accordingly appreciated by our fellow human beings. It takes a lot of effort to take a selfie – the more people are involved in it, the more inhuman is the tension of each individual participant.

The group-selfie shot by an expert divides into four phases:

Phase 1
Someone pulls out his cell-phone for a selfie. Every individual within the surrounding ten to 15 meters immediately jumps up to the cell phone owner with a spirited leap, and presses on him or someone who is already glued to him. The face muscles of everyone involved twist into an alleged smile. Here it shows the importance of the front camera of the cell phone because all the faces of the participants now appear on the display. At a glance, everyone sees that his grimace has little to do with a relaxed smile.

Phase 2
The first correction relaxes the facial muscles of the selfie-participants without decreasing the iron will to achieve a totally relaxed smile. The unabated motivation delves into the faces, but a certain optimism adds almost imperceptibly.

Phase 3
The effort is now gradually showing effect. In this phase, the strength of the facial muscles weakens, and the optimistic smile inevitably disappears. Despondency seizes the nearly exhausted participants.

Phase 4
The mobile phone owner must now step in to still force the success. He brings the participants to mobilize their last strengths by saying the magic words: “Watch the birdie?”. The nerve-racking tension is suddenly blown off. The faces now spontaneously twist into a relaxed, radiant smile…

The photos were re-enacted by Joshua Resnick (rez_art) and his selfie-tried top-models

The First Kiss – our Tips to the Success Guide from ‘Helpster’

The internet is so valuable for young people because they can find appropriate guides for everything. The popular service website ‚Helpster’ offers such a guide on the topic ‚Kissing’ and can be described as a real piece of life aid: How to prepare for the first kiss as a complete layman?

Let’s say you are a kissing-virgin, but you meet Heidi Klum and Angelina Jolie at the pedestrian zone. The two immediately start fighting over who gets to kiss you first. You remember just in time that you never kissed anyone, so your face turns red, then ashen, and eventually, you just run away screaming.

But not if you read the said kissing guide on Helpster. There, they explain to you that man and woman must be ready for the kissing premiere first.

For this reason, the guide recommends practicing with an innocent kiss on the cheek. Namely on the back of your hand. For this, you have to gently press your soft lips on the back of your hand, over and over again. Repeat this – according to the guide – until you have a special emotional experience.

If not, just skip to the French kiss. The guide recommends a dry run: You can practice the correct tongue movements when sucking on a piece of candy.

But after the third bag of candy at the latest, you go and look for the girl you always wanted to kiss. Before you meet this chick for this noble endeavor, remember, inexperienced kissers easily get disgusted because of the saliva that is inevitably transmitted during a real French kiss.

According to the guide, you have to thoroughly brush your teeth, shower, use deodorant, and so on before the kissing premiere. Then the sweet girl will probably survive the kiss. But, you must repeat the whole trip every time you want to kiss this chick again, but who would want that?

Our tip: Do the exact opposite: Toughen up your sweet girl! Don’t shower for three weeks and do not brush your teeth during this preparation period. And when the day comes, eat as much garlic and fresh onions as you can.

During the date, be at about a meter distance to the girl you want to kiss – make sure that you always have headwind – and put on your sweetest smile. Then you make a quick and surprising step towards the kiss aspirant and stick your tongue into her throat as deep as you can.

Firmly hold on the girl you are kissing so tenderly because her senses might fade with all this love. As soon as she becomes conscious again, massage her uvula with the tip of your tongue. She will then think that this is what gives her the urge to vomit.

Back to the guide. It recommends exploring the mouth and the tongue of the fair maiden. And for you to somewhat professionally perform this, you should practice this with a bowl of gummy bears. For this, you try and individually pick out all the gummy bears with the tip of your tongue.

Our tip: You should rather practice this with a live object. If you have followed our preparation, the sweet girl will be somewhat dazed as it is, and you have the opportunity to thoroughly comb through her mouth. If it tastes pretty sour, the kissed girl suffers from gastroesophageal reflux, or you have already reached her stomach.

Please always pay attention to the complexion of the fair maiden. If she turns blue, carefully remove your tongue from her air tube. If she is still knocked out, apply first aid. For this purpose, immediately free the patient from her constricting clothes and do a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You can also continue practice kissing at the same time…

This man is doing it right, he also frees himself from his own constricting clothes for the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because it makes the kiss expandable after a successful resuscitation…

The guide is real. Our tips are a satire. Using these in practice can have unpleasant consequences that we are not liable for.

Contribution from Volume 2 of the book series “Brutally Tips to survive in everyday life” (appearing in the spring of 2018)

„Marriage for all”: Why the Catholic church benefits most from it!

Heiner Koch, who is Catholic and the Archbishop of Berlin, wants to open our eyes: The „Marriage for all,” he says, isn’t as great as everyone thinks. It only takes two to make a baby – a man and a woman. The rest will be frustrated and jealous.

Well. Let’s take a look at the catholic members of the clergy; Those clergymen are necessarily gay. They aren’t allowed to even think about women or else the celibacy will instantly hellishly prick them.

After the foundation of the church, the then brand new Catholic religion was supposed to spread rapidly, and this required some bashers because nobody really had an itch for the unworldly Catholicism without brute force. Instead, the guys would rather chase the girls as it was the only worthwhile pastime since TV and internet were still kind of new back then. So the girls were put into a monastery, and the „marriage for nobody” (who wasn’t participating in the subjugation of countless infidel barbarians) was invented.

However, the smart ones rather became clerics, because then they were able to try out the „marriage for all” – even though it was on the quiet. It was pretty handy back then because, at the many monasteries where all the male and female clerics lived together, they were doing it all day long without having to fear further obligations.

When the barbarian bashers then came back and wanted to pick up one of the girls from the monastery, each one of them already had a bunch of kids. In the heat of battle, it was somehow missed to invent the pills.

The complaints piled up so that the church introduced separate monasteries for men and woman and – at the latest after the invention of the rope ladder – invented the tiresome celibacy.

This obviously didn’t work out for the Catholic intercourse preventers. Neither crusades nor the burning of witches helped; the abundance of children could only be contained with the regulation that as soon as the last nun was pregnant, they were all sent away and the monastery closed.

Just like Heiner Koch, our Berlin Archbishop, the popes, and cardinals could not be unsold on the opinion that a child could only be made by a father who practiced the “marriage for two” with a mother. However, this restriction does not exist in reality. On the contrary: Wild marriages and gang bangs were much better suited to dramatically boost the abundance of children. Because when everyone did it with everyone, the girls were practically permanently in „joyful expectation.”

The „marriage for two” could only be kept alive through same-sex love. Because the Catholic church is – thanks to celibacy – the last stronghold of old-fashioned relationships. But is it worth it to breed gays against the will of something so outrageously perverted as the celibacy?

Let’s be honest: Nobody can draw greater benefits from the „marriage for all than the Catholic church itself. Instead of closing down the nun monasteries because all of the nuns are pregnant, the girls could collectively enter the “marriage for all” – with the involvement of the neighboring monastery for men, where the biological fathers of the common offspring are waiting with clenched fists…

Today’s nuns are not as careworn as they used to – who wouldn’t want to become a monk, considering the marriage for everyone…?

Why banks should not be entitled to recover lent money

Say goodbye to the world you know – It no longer exists!

To this day, students of Economics learn that money is ‚created’ (produce) by the Central Banks. According to that, our people’s banks only lend the savings of their customers or have to borrow money from the Central Banks. We learn at an early age that people aren’t allowed to produce money. In reality, everything is completely different, and our whole money system is nothing but monumental bullshit!

Because as it turned out in the trial at the South Tyrolean Regional Court in Bolzano, the South Tyrolean Volksbank produced their own money and lent it as loans. The South Tyrolean Volksbank openly admitted this at the court. And not only that; According to the SCC, each and every small Volksbank or Sparkasse has been producing money for a long time – on a large scale. Of course, large banks do it too – on an even larger scale.

Banks are able to make money themselves because there is apparently no law that prohibits banks from doing so. Perhaps now you understand why our politicians want to abolish cash completely. Because, theoretically it would be possible that all borrowers want to have their loan paid out in cash – this would inevitably burst the monstrous air bubble of self-made money. And of course, this practice, which is so pleasant for banks, also has its disadvantages.

Bank failures, state bankruptcies, etc. have only become possible because banks permanently help themselves. The value of a currency is dramatically reduced because of the “virtual money” and has to be stabilized with dangerous tricks. If this goes wrong just like it did a few years ago, the taxpayers have to save the banks (or states).

Since this practice keeps increasing the world’s debt, taxpayers will no longer be able to pay the horrendous debt one day. However, banks should not be entitled to recover the money from their self-created loans. A number of lawyers believe that this is a logical consequence of the do-it-yourself money creation of our banks.

On November 13th, 2016, the German newspaper “Die Welt” wrote a very interesting article about this practice of the banks. Other newspapers reported on the trial in Bolzano and the money production of the banks as well. Now, you can no longer find a single word about it in the media. A search on Google only resulted in blog articles.

In their now-missing report, „Die Welt“ compared the international situation with a group of people who were standing on a beach as if paralyzed, even though they knew that a tsunami would come to devour all of them…

Why Wikipedia is a misandrist bunch

In a large German daily newspaper, a (male) editor was complaining that Wikipedia was a sexist men club because the guy had searched for a list of German poetesses in the internet lexicon, but the information was very sparse.

When he then called up the list of porn stars, he came up with whole myriads of these nice ladies, neatly sorted by alphabet and with detailed information about everything the babes have already done.

Unfortunately, this editor does not seem to have any clue how online encyclopedias work, otherwise he would have saved himself the trouble of writing the article. Because the entries there are simply directed to the relevance. And nowadays, nobody gives a damn about German poetesses; porn stars are much more popular.

It was by no means intended by God that Wikipedia is helplessly dominated by men – apparently, the proportion of men there is 90 percent. Anyone can use Wikipedia, also and especially women who are interested in German poetesses.

So, if then myriads of German women who are interested in Germanic lyricists sacrifice a bit of their time and collaborate with Wikipedia, they cannot only meticulously complete the list of poetesses and publish everything worth knowing about each of those individuals, but also really coolly mention that the inventions of the Austrian Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler made practical things such as Bluetooth or Wi-Fi possible, and – apropos of nothing – that she, professionally known as Hedy Lamarr, was the first actress imitating an orgasm during a love scene in a movie.

The aforementioned editor criticized the fact that the woman’s achievements as an actress were mentioned in the first sentence of her Wikipedia biography, but her breakthrough inventions only in the second.

But – to comfort the poor man a little – Hedy Lamarr did not only become a world star in 1933 because of the imitated orgasm, which the gifted actress conjured on the screen with remarkably real moans and facial expressions, but with some luck, she could be also accepted on the detailed Wikipedia list of the porn actresses because of it.

We would also like to point out here that Hedy Lamarr’s film partner, who had bravely worked on the orgasm as well, was not mentioned in Wikipedia at all. How misandrous is that? And since we’re already on it: When searching for the list of male porn stars on the German Wikipedia, it only says: “The article ‘List of Male Porn Stars’ does not exist on German Wikipedia.”

It actually doesn’t exist on the English Wikipedia either. And why not? Because our girls do not contribute to Wikipedia because only women are interested in the male actors when watching porn…

Inventor Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler, better known as Hedy Lamarr, here in the Hollywood film ‚The Conspirators‘…

This is the well-known porn starring Kirsten Price from the detailed Wikipedia list