How the last secret weapon of the Bolshevism will destroy us

The year is 1989: the GDR government is at an end; the Soviet Union is about to come. A crisis meeting of the ‘hard Kerns’ of the Socialist German Unity Party (SED) takes place in East Berlin. An emissary, who is a top agent of the KGB Soviet Secret Service from the powerful brother state Soviet Union, inconspicuously sits beside the GDR superiors. After a brief address by Erich Honecker, the prospects were expectantly eying the Russians. He bends forward a little, smiles mischievously, and says in polished German: „Dear comrades, it is known that the socialism is in a bad way, we are losing money, and thus we are losing the arms race against the capitalists in the long run. But we will be victorious in the end!“

Sounds like the usual rallying calls, and the dark faces of the GDR-sizes speak for itself. But the KGB man continues unwaveringly: We have cloned a super-being from the heritage of the best who will execute our revenge. The genes of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao TseTung and Ho Chi Minh ensure the genuine communist spirit, the genotypes of Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan make him invincible, and a little of Arnold Schwarzenegger ensures a minger that gives the needed respect to our secret weapon.

The Intelligence Officer looks triumphantly into the round: „IT is already there, ready to strike. And now we are coming to the evil plan that this Super Being is going to observe!“

1. The quick way to power.

After the unavoidable reunification of the two German states, IT goes to Germany, enters the CDU, and surreptitiously gains the confidence of the Federal Chancellor Helmut Kohl, then IT pays a double-digit million amount (from secret Soviet stocks) to the arms dealer Karlheinz Schreiber for him to rat out the black money coffers of Kohl and thus sets off a crushing party donation affair. Now IT can quietly prepare its own seizure of power. At first, IT makes itself indispensable within the CDU, will be chancellor candidate and finally takes over the chancellor’s office.

2. The energy transformation.

HIS first great coup as German Chancellor: the destruction of affordable energy. IT will shut down all nuclear power plants; electricity will only be generated from „renewable energies“ – mainly wind turbines and solar technology. In the exultation of the nuclear opponents, it unfortunately goes down that the mass of small consumers will pay for the conversion. Because for the economy not to protest, it gets special conditions and barely shells out anything. No wonder the corporations eat from the palm of HIS hand. Drunk off the supposed victory, the party „Alliance 90 /The Greens“ finally farewells goals such as animal protection, environmental protection, and landscape protection. Meanwhile, windmills are messing up the landscape and shred millions of birds.

3. The financial crisis.

Even Stalin was already aware that banking activities in the USA are superficial. But he could not gain any capital from it. The guys from the KGB planted the solution in the brain of the gene-doped super monster when it was activated. IT now ensures that the foul bank gambles are busted over a huge network of top-notch secret agents, triggering the world’s most horrendous financial crisis ever.

4. The devaluation of the European currency.

Once the euro is introduced as a Community currency in Europe, IT will ensure that the European Central Bank is taken over by some financial terrorist. He devaluates the currency completely, and even introduces minus interest rates, so the German depositors are ruined. This is particularly perfidious because saving is knowingly the life purpose of all Germans. Thus, the optimism of the honest German citizen suddenly deflates.

5. The total war.

IT cleverly ensures that brutal and despotic Sunni terrorist militias are financed by Saudi Arabia attack various Arab states, forcing Iran to provide military assistance to the Shiites. A rarely brutal war between Muslims of the various religion orientation flares up. The civilians flee from the war zones in bright piles. IT lets anyone cross the German border who wants to enter under the pretext of helping these refugees. That way, millions of criminals and hundreds of thousands of terrorists of the evilest kind come into the country besides the refugees and terrorize the population and the German police. Meanwhile, IT removes the police’s means and reduces the number of police officers to the inefficiency of the whole apparatus.

The criminals among the immigrants rob and rape German women at will – the terrorists are massacring the people at every corner. Besides their savings, the Germans lose a second high good: the security and safety of the protection of the state.

6. The destruction of the Bundeswehr.

After destroying the police, IT now also destroys the power of the German Bundeswehr by simply removing all financial contributions. IT makes a housewife the Minister of Defense because IT knows that the experienced Mommy Ursula von der Leyen will only encourage soldiers to picnics and walks, the ‚useless‘ assault rifles will be sent them back to the manufacturer with the excuse that the soldiers are constantly missing their targets. Since the planes and helicopters no longer fly, and tanks and ships no longer have any significant function that could be used for defense, Mrs. von der Leyen will fill them with flower soil and put them by the borders so that they send visitors into rapture with the specially planted flowers.

The genius ’security plan‘ of the kooky Defense Minister, which she will publish (upon HIS advice) in the next Safety White Book, will ensure „victory all along the line,“ because as soon as the Sunni terror militias are defeated by the Western alliance, they will appear at the German borders. There, these guys will be so enthusiastic about the dear greeting that they spontaneously hide their weapons to apply for asylum in Germany. This means that German finances will be completely out of control. Basically, there won’t be any money for anything else.

7. The destruction of the German streets.

The roads in Germany have not been maintained since IT took over. IT has withdrawn all the means for many years. The potholes are now so large that you could easily hide a Leopard II battle tank in each one of them. After the traffic has to drive three times as many kilometers just by going around the potholes and the fuel consumption increased furiously, the streets will be repaired after all anyways. And all at once, so that the murderous congestions are causing irreversible chaos. However, if the streets are filled with standing vehicles, they cannot be repaired. This means that the German economy is practically no longer able to transport its produced goods to the customer.

8. The destruction of the German economy.

It is convenient that workers no longer manage to get to work because the roads are blocked and the public passenger traffic is overflowing, you could only stuff the additional passengers into the trains and street cars with shoehorns. If the guys (and chicks) ever get out of there again, they have infected themselves with every imaginable plague thanks to the many asylum seekers from Arabia and Africa and can only try to crawl to the nearest hospital.

The already rotten health insurance companies will inevitably collapse when faced with such a rise in costs. Of course, the plagued people are stacking in the hospital beds, but doctors and nursing staff are either still stuck in the public transportation and/or are already infected themselves.

This means that Germany is completely excluded as the financier of the European Union and the economy of Europe collapses. There is nothing left, no goods, no food, but the epidemics from Germany are escalating to Europe. Britain as an island considers itself safe from the European collapse. But what do they want to live of? Whom do they want to sell their goods to? All of Europe is in a coma!

9. The destruction of the USA.

The United States of America still could now be an aid to the desperate Brits. But now ITS agents put the idea of becoming president in the head of a crazy billiard-heavy bogey with an over-sized toupee, which also succeeded because IT manipulated the counting in many important federal states and gave a bad name to the opponent of the Democrats with a fake beefed-up scandal at the same time. The psychopath – manipulated by HIM – now wants to build a wall at the border to Mexico and kiss up to the super-rich by relieving them of the tax burden – at the expense of the persons on average wages and the unemployed. They now have nothing left to eat and no money, but a lot of weapons and the right to carry them. The Civil War inevitably breaks out in America. The Mexicans – angry because of the wall plans – take advantage of the hour and declare war on the United States.

Since everyone in the US has as many weapons as he can carry, the otherwise successful Marines are in over their head against the millions of angry and armed to the teeth civilians and the stinging Mexican Arm. In the face of the threat, the super-rich people are moving back to their bomb-proof luxury bunkers. Meanwhile, IT has a monstrous bomb fired in the Yellowstone Park, which supposedly has a super-volcano lurking underneath. It is now erupting, and that’s the end of the American dream.

10. IT.

The KGB man triumphantly looks into the round. However, the GDR is not fully convinced yet. Erich Honecker twangs unamused: „The GDR citizens that we have been fooling for years are already on the streets, they will lynch us and the cloned monster too!“

The man in the simple brown loden coat still smiles. He snaps his fingers, and one of the present Russian soldiers goes into the next room. He comes back shortly afterward, but not alone. He is holding the hand of a strange figure, it is inconspicuous, almost bland, and with deep, horribly drawn down mouth corners. IT looks at the audience and says with a stiff expression and without any emotion: „We can do it.“ The Russian stops smiling. He points at the pale shape with its hanging shoulders and rigid soulless gaze with a grim expression. Then he says: „This high being is the flesh-born victory of Bolshevism! The angry protesters might lynch you, dear comrades. But IT will destroy the West just like I described because IT seems like a poor sod, no one thought IT was capable of doing anything negative, and everyone involuntary feels pity for IT!“

Erich Mielke walks forward and looks into ITS staring eyes, then asks: „Does IT have a name?“ The KGB agent shrugs his shoulders. Then he takes a phone book, opens it in the middle, places his finger somewhere on the page without looking. Then he looks at the name and says, „Okay, IT is called ‚Merkel‘!“

After all these prophecies – some of which actually have happened already – we are now daring to prognosticate how this story will probably end for the world:

11. The worst is yet to come.

Russian President Vladimir Putin takes over the leadership of the remaining world. Merkel, who has now returned to Moscow in the meantime, is protesting: „There is no longer any trace of Bolshevism left in Russia,“ IT says, „so my mission is by no means finished!“ But Putin’s big dog keeps IT in check, and his master says with a broad grin: „Merkel, I am the one who determines now what Bolshevism is!”

12. Can the world be saved?

Of course, the story above is only made up but unfortunately ‘Merkel’s’ policy isn’t. When our democracy was still working, we had the possibility to simply choose another party in the next election.

But today, there is only the AfD on the right whose strong right wing already shows disgusting fascist tendencies. The ‚established‘ parties (CDU/CSU, SPD, FDP, Alliance 90/The Greens, The Left Party) are in the center, which are practically interchangeable without any change in the bourgeoisie politics. To the left is a yawning vacuum.

A functioning democracy includes an alert and critical media. When you open the newspaper, you will find that all of them say the same thing. A monotonous governmental-uncritical mash of political correctness, as if everything here is always okay because we have effective anti-corruption laws.

When nobility still ruled in the less delightful Europe of earlier centuries, the subjects were allowed to submit petitions. The ruler looked at the wishes of the people, and he graciously listened to it if he was in a good mood and one of the requests was modest enough.

This beautiful old custom has been dug out again. We could start a petition at ChangeOrg, and if enough people sign it and our politicians are in a good mood, they may decide for or against a law. With the highly dangerous trade CETA agreement, which almost exclusively brings disadvantages to the consumer, all politicians were in a bad mood, and we now have the shit on our hands. But that’s just how our moody German democracy is.

If you find a few new parties on the electoral roll during the Bundestag election in September that you don’t know ad nauseam, look at them more closely or read their programs. If you find a liberal, socially-minded party that stands for „democracy with more citizen participation,“ „direct elections“ and generally for „more closeness to citizens,“ give them a shot. Then our democracy may be a bit less moody in the future …


But don’t worry, even if Merkel has avenged the GDR…


…IT won’t have to sit begging on the street…

IG Nobel Prize:
Why farmers are so jealous of dogs

A Czech/German Research Group well-deservedly received the IG Nobel Prize for their outstanding research on dogs, who do their business.

Because if the person goes for a walk in a rural area during his free time after work or on the weekend, he will discover three similar substances in addition to the popular grass and a few flowers when passing fields used for dairy farming. Namely the intestinal contents of domestic cattle, domestic dogs, and farmers.

The domestic cattle used for dairy farming cannot cater for the spreading of their excrements on their own. If the gut is full, the feces fall out the back, it flushed away with water hoses and collected in the slurry pit. Domestic cattle only have little opportunity to leave the barn, and with a typical farm operation, it never really reaches the field anyways.

The farmer ensures with meticulousness and exemplary care that the crap still gets there reliably and without any losses. In order for the field to smell evenly delicious, the brave man spreads the intermittently whisked shit meticulously and evenly.

But the farmer himself has intestines too. And if the contents of this useful organ seek freedom at some point during the day, the industrious man certainly has no time to swing on the mighty tractor to go to the homestead to use his practical toilet. No, he only squats down and lets nature run its course. The poop of the farmer is generally neatly decorated with paper tissues for it to stand out from the despicable cow shit.

So much as a preface for a better understanding of the study of our Czech-German scientists. They have now dealt with the third species of dung that occurs on fields: the dog shit. Specifically, how it gets on the fields. In contrast to the famous cattle and farmer excrements, the dog poop pile is unfortunately quite frowned upon.

That is why our scientists wanted to find out why that is, especially since the dog piles do not smell any worse than the other two species of dung mentioned above, nor do they have an uglier appearance, and it is scientifically proven that they do not cause any epidemic diseases. And the inclined reader will hardly believe it: The rejection of the dog poop is indeed because of the rotten envy of the competition.

The domestic dog is not infrequently oriented on the habits of the wolf, his close relative in the animal kingdom. And that is why the domestic dog does not just let the poop fall out of his ass like cattle, and he also does not just squat down to let it drop like the farmer. No, the domestic dog, as a highly-developed creature, carefully aligns himself with the magnetic field of the earth before he poops.

And since the superiority of the dog shit is scientifically proven, the dog owner has the right to decorate the winner’s pile with a flag after the successful business of his four-legged friend …


Look at how well the domestic dog is aligned to the earth’s magnetic field


If the dog owner does not have a flag at hand – he can also gild the winner’s pile

How Erdogan Pasha wants to start a revolt in Germany

Recep Tayyip Erdogan foams at the mouth, and Angela Merkel is pissed off. The good relationship between the German Chancellor and the Turkish Dictator – who had been stuffing refugees into the Turkish detention center in strong consensus until recently – had somewhat suffered on the weekend.

German municipalities had disinvited the Turkish Ministers, who were supposed to “enthuse” the German Turks in Germany for Erdogan’s future autarchy as a Pasha. Erdogan Pasha wants for force the Turkish people to confirm him as the sole ruler for life through a referendum. If he does not get the majority of it, he wants to do anything to finally and mercilessly catapult Turkey back into the political stone age. However, the stone age is for sure if he gets confirmed.

To cruelly avenge the humiliation of the disinvitation, Rumpelstiltskin Erdogan retaliated. „I thought that the Nazi regime in Germany was over” resented the Turkish Chief-Choleric. But no, Nazi practices have supposedly been used to harm him. He apparently also plans appearances in the Federal Republic, so he snorted: „If I want to, I will come tomorrow. I will come, and if you will not let me in or let me speak, I will start a revolt!”

We are really looking forward to this revolt. What is Rumpelstiltskin going to do at the German border? Stomp his foot so that the half-finished Berlin airport will entirely collapse? Or worse, is he going to sneak across the border dressed in sheepskin to roam the German nightlife? Our farmers should lock away their goats as a precaution…


Here is where the Turkish Pashas lived since the late middle ages – when is Rumpelstiltskin-Pasha going to move in?


Merkel’s secret weapon against Erdogan Pasha: The famous German poet Jan Böhmermann has to write a new poem

How Chancellor Angela Merkel finally eliminates the refugee problem

The detention center in Turkey for refugees from Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Africa is probably not going to exist for much longer. Not because Turkey now has mutated to dictatorship – that would not bother Merkel – but because this dictatorship imprisoned the German/Turkish journalist Deniz Yüzel without any significant reason. In abundance, he was also a correspondent for a major daily German newspaper, and therefore the Turkish Government is not highly regarded by Germany.

So Merkel went to Egypt to persuade the local Government to build a detention center for refugees. Egypt is also a dictatorship, and the jail there is also well-filled with dissidents, but they currently are not imprisoning a German/Egypt correspondent of a major newspaper. Unfortunately, the Dictator Abd al-Fattah as-Sisi persistently refuses to establish a detention center.

But now what? If necessary, Merkel would send the refugees to Kim Jong-un, the Dictator of North Korea, but the way there is simply too far for them. Fortunately, there is a terror reign in Sudan who gladly takes care of refugees. The refugees are absolutely safe in Sudan because of the current leader, Umar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir, who has many years of experience in slaughtering refugees. No one has ever returned from there, especially not to Europe.

However, there is another optimal solution: Merkel makes a refugee-camp-contract with Boko Haram, the butchers of Central Africa. They are not only allies of the Islamic State, but also more evil than the IS henchman. Then the refugees are better off if they would just stay where they are…


Boko-Haram detention centers and refugees prefer to stay at home to be massacred

Fictitious Interview:
How Donald Trump keeps the rest of the world from „America first”

The new President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, is in office and will now implement his campaign promises into actions. First, the border to Mexico should be secured with a wall. But is a single wall – as high and impregnable it might seem at first sight – enough? After all, Mexicans aren’t the only ones that threaten and furtively watch Trump’s „American first”. We have intrigued the American President and managed to win him over for a fictitious interview.

SATIRE BRUTALLY SERVED: Mr. President, do you really think that the wall at the Mexican border will effectively protect the USA from uncontrolled immigration of drug dealers, criminal, and terrorists?

Donald Trump: It is the first step!

SBS: Okay, but what are the next steps? Due to “America first”, the United States are now highly attractive for any form of immigration. And there is the nearly unprotected Canadian border in the north where a lot of Canadians, Indians, and Inuits live. What happens if they all invade into your American Cockaigne?

Trump: What’s stopping us from building a wall there too?

SBS: At the times of the cold war, America forced the Soviets to build a wall at the border to the free world so that the Bolshevik hordes couldn’t attack us. Did it really protect us? Aren’t we now stuck with Merkel as the Federal Chancellor and even had to helplessly watch how she first destroyed the D-Mark and then our savings on top of that to now shred our birds with these grisly wind turbines?

Trump: Admittedly, Merkel is a plague. But we just simply won’t let her in.

SBS: Have you ever thought about how all of these refugees from Syria came to Germany? And additionally, the many criminals and – not to forget – the terrorists as well?

Trump: Through Austria?

SBS: Of course, but how did they get to Austria? Across the vast sea! Do you realize that you have a whole lot of that soup on your coasts?

Trump: Okay, I guess we will have to build walls there too.

SBS: You know it. But, let’s learn that there are 7 billion people in this world, and less than 400 million of them are Americans. Inevitably, the entire rest is going to vehemently push to America to participate in “America first”.

Trump: You can really give a good scare.

SKS: And there is a lot more to come. Just take a look at your major cities. There are tons of people of color hanging around everywhere that, as you know, didn’t vote for you. And your police officers are whacking them every day from dawn to dusk. Have you never noticed that they still aren’t becoming any less?

Trump: They don’t even get involved in „America first”!

SBS: But they are there, taking away jobs from your countrymen, and then impertinently vote for the Democrats! Do you also want to build walls around the major cities so they can’t get out? And what use is that if the jobs are in those cities?

Trump: Okay, you have opened my eyes, now I know how the wind blows!

SBS: On how you do politics, in a zigzag?

Trump: No, to get rid of all the economic refugees, criminals and terrorists, we are building a massive bunker that will easily survive a nuclear strike. We will only let the good Americans in, and my Government of course. And only there we will create the jobs for „America first”!

SBS: And you firmly promise to take your countrymen in there with you, and that they all will stay there forever to enjoy „America first“?

Trump: That’s the plan!

SBS: Mr. President, thank you very much for this enlightening conversation…


This is it, the bunker that has been a paragon for the super bunker in which the Government of Trump and its voters will practice „America first”

From benching and ghosting, or why love isn’t really that complicated

A large circle of friends is extremely important to anyone who wants to partake in life. With that, you will learn all news essential to your love life, for example, that Kevin „ghosted” Lina. „Ghosting” means that you end a relationship by simply not getting in touch anymore, and no longer being reachable to your partner as if you vanished into thin air. The most famous „ghoster” is Rüdiger the night bus driver, who is surely known by some of our loyal readers.

Girls sometimes think that „ghosting” comes in handy, but often tend to use a ploy that is more useful to them: the benching. For example, Julia‘s newly enamored colleague Frankie from the neighboring department will be “kept on the back burner” despite the current relationship with Roger. The woman plans dates with the colleague every now and then but, unfortunately, something else usually comes up in the evening and dates either take place during lunch breaks or not at all.

Benching is important to Julia because Roger likes to invite his friends to watch soccer. They usually bring a few cases of beer, and the toilet regularly „looks like shit” afterward. Now Roger suddenly has to do a lot of overtime until Julia has polished up the loo again.

Frankie, the backup plan, however, puts Julia in the comfortable position to greet Roger in the evening with the ominous words „we have to talk”. You see, benching enormously boosts the female self-confidence. Regular sex is very important to Roger, but unfortunately, he has no replacement. Therefore, he must scrub the toilet twice a week from now on.

Julia doesn’t celebrate her victory with Frankie, but with her girlfriends. Her backup plan gets an almost frivolous kiss in the broom closet the next morning, which probably keeps him in line for the rest of the year.

Rogers second job as a toilet refiner doesn’t really have a positive impact on his standing with his buddies. Especially not if he suddenly insists that everyone pees sitting down during the beery international game. So Roger has to decide between his friends and Julia. To escape the loneliness, he ghosts Julia by moving to Rüdiger. As you know, he uses his toilet to quickly and easily get rid of the girls he just banged. His place is perfect for soccer fans, and Roger sometimes gets one of Rüdiger’s female „best friends”.

However, Julia isn’t devoting herself to Frankie anyways. Anyone who can be held out for that long might not be the first choice as a partner. So she throws herself onto Werner, her boss – and keeps Frankie in a good mood with almost frivolous kisses. By the way, Werner is benching his secretary Nicole, the relationship between him and Julia is optimally balanced, comparable to the relationship between the USA and UdSSR in earlier times.

We strongly recommend that Frankie and Nicole promptly ghost Julia and Werner…


Nicole and Frankie actually did it. They are enjoying a harmonious relationship after ghosting their benchers. The two of them aren’t used to sex, but they are totally crazy about the almost frivolous kisses…


Rüdiger, the night bus driver, never takes home women. Only exception: The foursome requires him to have a place all to himself and a huge bed! The ladies‘ man waits until the girls are sleeping and then goes to work. As soon as one of them has to use the bathroom, the obligatory nervous breakdown will ensure that the girls are leaving in a hurry.

Why we consider Morocco a ‚safe country’

Arab women have to walk around deeply veiled in public, and the reasons for that are actually quite practical. However, we only know about this because in Morocco, a comparatively liberal representative of the Arabian world, tips are presented on State television on how to optimally apply make-up if the boyfriend or spouse is in a bad mood.

Because then the guy tries to pimp his wellbeing by having his wife shimmer in all imaginable colors. Green, blue, yellow, red, purple – there are no limits to imagination. And, for this arduously applied jewelry not to disappear next time she washes her face, it is downright ‘punched’ on to her.

This is very common in all Arab States, but in Morocco, these lucky girls now have the opportunity to cover up their colorful decorations with bold make-up. In other states, however, the girls are covered with flowing robes and deep veils before the husband sends her shopping to the market so that you can only see their little blue eyes when they creep through the streets after they got the living daylights beaten out of them. It is amazing how fashion can sometimes be so practical.

And since the Islam is knowingly a peaceful religion, the bashing husband does not have to make excuses when his wife is taking a walk in a niqab because the Quran orders her to.

Back to the Moroccan liberalism. Women are allowed to show their face on the streets there. But – nicely please – and not shimmering in all sorts of colors. That is why she smears makeup on it – per instructions of the State television. However, their sisters from Anatolia wearing a niqab still have a huge advantage. When they show up at the German border asking for asylum, they may rest assured that they will be accepted.

However, the Moroccan woman is out of luck. Because, unfortunately, Morocco is a so-called ‘safe country’. Women are safe there practically anywhere, just not at home…


The broadcasting was stopped in the meantime – after public protests in Europe


Can hope for asylum in Germany…


…has to stay in Morocco and use make-up