IG Nobel Prize:
Why farmers are so jealous of dogs

29A Czech/German Research Group well-deservedly received the IG Nobel Prize for their outstanding research on dogs, who do their business.

Because if the person goes for a walk in a rural area during his free time after work or on the weekend, he will discover three similar substances in addition to the popular grass and a few flowers when passing fields used for dairy farming. Namely the intestinal contents of domestic cattle, domestic dogs, and farmers.

The domestic cattle used for dairy farming cannot cater for the spreading of their excrements on their own. If the gut is full, the feces fall out the back, it flushed away with water hoses and collected in the slurry pit. Domestic cattle only have little opportunity to leave the barn, and with a typical farm operation, it never really reaches the field anyways.

The farmer ensures with meticulousness and exemplary care that the crap still gets there reliably and without any losses. In order for the field to smell evenly delicious, the brave man spreads the intermittently whisked shit meticulously and evenly.

But the farmer himself has intestines too. And if the contents of this useful organ seek freedom at some point during the day, the industrious man certainly has no time to swing on the mighty tractor to go to the homestead to use his practical toilet. No, he only squats down and lets nature run its course. The poop of the farmer is generally neatly decorated with paper tissues for it to stand out from the despicable cow shit.

So much as a preface for a better understanding of the study of our Czech-German scientists. They have now dealt with the third species of dung that occurs on fields: the dog shit. Specifically, how it gets on the fields. In contrast to the famous cattle and farmer excrements, the dog poop pile is unfortunately quite frowned upon.

That is why our scientists wanted to find out why that is, especially since the dog piles do not smell any worse than the other two species of dung mentioned above, nor do they have an uglier appearance, and it is scientifically proven that they do not cause any epidemic diseases. And the inclined reader will hardly believe it: The rejection of the dog poop is indeed because of the rotten envy of the competition.

The domestic dog is not infrequently oriented on the habits of the wolf, his close relative in the animal kingdom. And that is why the domestic dog does not just let the poop fall out of his ass like cattle, and he also does not just squat down to let it drop like the farmer. No, the domestic dog, as a highly-developed creature, carefully aligns himself with the magnetic field of the earth before he poops.

And since the superiority of the dog shit is scientifically proven, the dog owner has the right to decorate the winner’s pile with a flag after the successful business of his four-legged friend …

Look at how well the domestic dog is aligned to the earth’s magnetic field

If the dog owner does not have a flag at hand – he can also gild the winner’s pile

How Erdogan Pasha wants to start a revolt in Germany

Recep Tayyip Erdogan foams at the mouth, and Angela Merkel is pissed off. The good relationship between the German Chancellor and the Turkish Dictator – who had been stuffing refugees into the Turkish detention center in strong consensus until recently – had somewhat suffered on the weekend.

German municipalities had disinvited the Turkish Ministers, who were supposed to “enthuse” the German Turks in Germany for Erdogan’s future autarchy as a Pasha. Erdogan Pasha wants for force the Turkish people to confirm him as the sole ruler for life through a referendum. If he does not get the majority of it, he wants to do anything to finally and mercilessly catapult Turkey back into the political stone age. However, the stone age is for sure if he gets confirmed.

To cruelly avenge the humiliation of the disinvitation, Rumpelstiltskin Erdogan retaliated. „I thought that the Nazi regime in Germany was over” resented the Turkish Chief-Choleric. But no, Nazi practices have supposedly been used to harm him. He apparently also plans appearances in the Federal Republic, so he snorted: „If I want to, I will come tomorrow. I will come, and if you will not let me in or let me speak, I will start a revolt!”

We are really looking forward to this revolt. What is Rumpelstiltskin going to do at the German border? Stomp his foot so that the half-finished Berlin airport will entirely collapse? Or worse, is he going to sneak across the border dressed in sheepskin to roam the German nightlife? Our farmers should lock away their goats as a precaution…

Here is where the Turkish Pashas lived since the late middle ages – when is Rumpelstiltskin-Pasha going to move in?

Merkel’s secret weapon against Erdogan Pasha: The famous German poet Jan Böhmermann has to write a new poem

How Chancellor Angela Merkel finally eliminates the refugee problem

The detention center in Turkey for refugees from Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Africa is probably not going to exist for much longer. Not because Turkey now has mutated to dictatorship – that would not bother Merkel – but because this dictatorship imprisoned the German/Turkish journalist Deniz Yüzel without any significant reason. In abundance, he was also a correspondent for a major daily German newspaper, and therefore the Turkish Government is not highly regarded by Germany.

So Merkel went to Egypt to persuade the local Government to build a detention center for refugees. Egypt is also a dictatorship, and the jail there is also well-filled with dissidents, but they currently are not imprisoning a German/Egypt correspondent of a major newspaper. Unfortunately, the Dictator Abd al-Fattah as-Sisi persistently refuses to establish a detention center.

But now what? If necessary, Merkel would send the refugees to Kim Jong-un, the Dictator of North Korea, but the way there is simply too far for them. Fortunately, there is a terror reign in Sudan who gladly takes care of refugees. The refugees are absolutely safe in Sudan because of the current leader, Umar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir, who has many years of experience in slaughtering refugees. No one has ever returned from there, especially not to Europe.

However, there is another optimal solution: Merkel makes a refugee-camp-contract with Boko Haram, the butchers of Central Africa. They are not only allies of the Islamic State, but also more evil than the IS henchman. Then the refugees are better off if they would just stay where they are…

Boko-Haram detention centers and refugees prefer to stay at home to be massacred

Fictitious Interview:
How Donald Trump keeps the rest of the world from „America first”

The new President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, is in office and will now implement his campaign promises into actions. First, the border to Mexico should be secured with a wall. But is a single wall – as high and impregnable it might seem at first sight – enough? After all, Mexicans aren’t the only ones that threaten and furtively watch Trump’s „American first”. We have intrigued the American President and managed to win him over for a fictitious interview.

SATIRE BRUTALLY SERVED: Mr. President, do you really think that the wall at the Mexican border will effectively protect the USA from uncontrolled immigration of drug dealers, criminal, and terrorists?

Donald Trump: It is the first step!

SBS: Okay, but what are the next steps? Due to “America first”, the United States are now highly attractive for any form of immigration. And there is the nearly unprotected Canadian border in the north where a lot of Canadians, Indians, and Inuits live. What happens if they all invade into your American Cockaigne?

Trump: What’s stopping us from building a wall there too?

SBS: At the times of the cold war, America forced the Soviets to build a wall at the border to the free world so that the Bolshevik hordes couldn’t attack us. Did it really protect us? Aren’t we now stuck with Merkel as the Federal Chancellor and even had to helplessly watch how she first destroyed the D-Mark and then our savings on top of that to now shred our birds with these grisly wind turbines?

Trump: Admittedly, Merkel is a plague. But we just simply won’t let her in.

SBS: Have you ever thought about how all of these refugees from Syria came to Germany? And additionally, the many criminals and – not to forget – the terrorists as well?

Trump: Through Austria?

SBS: Of course, but how did they get to Austria? Across the vast sea! Do you realize that you have a whole lot of that soup on your coasts?

Trump: Okay, I guess we will have to build walls there too.

SBS: You know it. But, let’s learn that there are 7 billion people in this world, and less than 400 million of them are Americans. Inevitably, the entire rest is going to vehemently push to America to participate in “America first”.

Trump: You can really give a good scare.

SKS: And there is a lot more to come. Just take a look at your major cities. There are tons of people of color hanging around everywhere that, as you know, didn’t vote for you. And your police officers are whacking them every day from dawn to dusk. Have you never noticed that they still aren’t becoming any less?

Trump: They don’t even get involved in „America first”!

SBS: But they are there, taking away jobs from your countrymen, and then impertinently vote for the Democrats! Do you also want to build walls around the major cities so they can’t get out? And what use is that if the jobs are in those cities?

Trump: Okay, you have opened my eyes, now I know how the wind blows!

SBS: On how you do politics, in a zigzag?

Trump: No, to get rid of all the economic refugees, criminals and terrorists, we are building a massive bunker that will easily survive a nuclear strike. We will only let the good Americans in, and my Government of course. And only there we will create the jobs for „America first”!

SBS: And you firmly promise to take your countrymen in there with you, and that they all will stay there forever to enjoy „America first“?

Trump: That’s the plan!

SBS: Mr. President, thank you very much for this enlightening conversation…

This is it, the bunker that has been a paragon for the super bunker in which the Government of Trump and its voters will practice „America first”

From benching and ghosting, or why love isn’t really that complicated

A large circle of friends is extremely important to anyone who wants to partake in life. With that, you will learn all news essential to your love life, for example, that Kevin „ghosted” Lina. „Ghosting” means that you end a relationship by simply not getting in touch anymore, and no longer being reachable to your partner as if you vanished into thin air. The most famous „ghoster” is Rüdiger the night bus driver, who is surely known by some of our loyal readers.

Girls sometimes think that „ghosting” comes in handy, but often tend to use a ploy that is more useful to them: the benching. For example, Julia‘s newly enamored colleague Frankie from the neighboring department will be “kept on the back burner” despite the current relationship with Roger. The woman plans dates with the colleague every now and then but, unfortunately, something else usually comes up in the evening and dates either take place during lunch breaks or not at all.

Benching is important to Julia because Roger likes to invite his friends to watch soccer. They usually bring a few cases of beer, and the toilet regularly „looks like shit” afterward. Now Roger suddenly has to do a lot of overtime until Julia has polished up the loo again.

Frankie, the backup plan, however, puts Julia in the comfortable position to greet Roger in the evening with the ominous words „we have to talk”. You see, benching enormously boosts the female self-confidence. Regular sex is very important to Roger, but unfortunately, he has no replacement. Therefore, he must scrub the toilet twice a week from now on.

Julia doesn’t celebrate her victory with Frankie, but with her girlfriends. Her backup plan gets an almost frivolous kiss in the broom closet the next morning, which probably keeps him in line for the rest of the year.

Rogers second job as a toilet refiner doesn’t really have a positive impact on his standing with his buddies. Especially not if he suddenly insists that everyone pees sitting down during the beery international game. So Roger has to decide between his friends and Julia. To escape the loneliness, he ghosts Julia by moving to Rüdiger. As you know, he uses his toilet to quickly and easily get rid of the girls he just banged. His place is perfect for soccer fans, and Roger sometimes gets one of Rüdiger’s female „best friends”.

However, Julia isn’t devoting herself to Frankie anyways. Anyone who can be held out for that long might not be the first choice as a partner. So she throws herself onto Werner, her boss – and keeps Frankie in a good mood with almost frivolous kisses. By the way, Werner is benching his secretary Nicole, the relationship between him and Julia is optimally balanced, comparable to the relationship between the USA and UdSSR in earlier times.

We strongly recommend that Frankie and Nicole promptly ghost Julia and Werner…

Nicole and Frankie actually did it. They are enjoying a harmonious relationship after ghosting their benchers. The two of them aren’t used to sex, but they are totally crazy about the almost frivolous kisses…

Rüdiger, the night bus driver, never takes home women. Only exception: The foursome requires him to have a place all to himself and a huge bed! The ladies‘ man waits until the girls are sleeping and then goes to work. As soon as one of them has to use the bathroom, the obligatory nervous breakdown will ensure that the girls are leaving in a hurry.

Why we consider Morocco a ‚safe country’

Arab women have to walk around deeply veiled in public, and the reasons for that are actually quite practical. However, we only know about this because in Morocco, a comparatively liberal representative of the Arabian world, tips are presented on State television on how to optimally apply make-up if the boyfriend or spouse is in a bad mood.

Because then the guy tries to pimp his wellbeing by having his wife shimmer in all imaginable colors. Green, blue, yellow, red, purple – there are no limits to imagination. And, for this arduously applied jewelry not to disappear next time she washes her face, it is downright ‘punched’ on to her.

This is very common in all Arab States, but in Morocco, these lucky girls now have the opportunity to cover up their colorful decorations with bold make-up. In other states, however, the girls are covered with flowing robes and deep veils before the husband sends her shopping to the market so that you can only see their little blue eyes when they creep through the streets after they got the living daylights beaten out of them. It is amazing how fashion can sometimes be so practical.

And since the Islam is knowingly a peaceful religion, the bashing husband does not have to make excuses when his wife is taking a walk in a niqab because the Quran orders her to.

Back to the Moroccan liberalism. Women are allowed to show their face on the streets there. But – nicely please – and not shimmering in all sorts of colors. That is why she smears makeup on it – per instructions of the State television. However, their sisters from Anatolia wearing a niqab still have a huge advantage. When they show up at the German border asking for asylum, they may rest assured that they will be accepted.

However, the Moroccan woman is out of luck. Because, unfortunately, Morocco is a so-called ‘safe country’. Women are safe there practically anywhere, just not at home…

The broadcasting was stopped in the meantime – after public protests in Europe

Can hope for asylum in Germany…

…has to stay in Morocco and use make-up

Why showers do not necessarily have anything to do with cleanliness

For Steffi (who is now 29 years old again)

A large German newspaper has asked a question in one of their articles: When is the best time of the day to take a shower? Well, the editor, who should deal with this important service issue, listlessly wrote that one could choose between morning and evening. At least she still knew that one should absolutely consider what shower type (the morning type or evening type) he is when choosing the time of the day.

Well, of course, real shower experts already know that there are many more shower types and daytimes:

Shower Type 1 –
the morning grouch (Harald)

Harald has to shower to even wake up. He is in a bad mood afterward because the water got in his ears and nose, and his girlfriend Tina did not kick the backdoor man out of the apartment yet. Because this means that the morning quickie has to take place lonesomely in the bathroom again. He has a cramp in his right arm afterward.

Shower Type 2 –
the backdoor man (Werner)

The backdoor man also showers in the morning (directly after Harald) because he was shagging Tina all night and can sleep a lot better if he showers.

Shower Type 3 –

Tina is off today and showers – you will guess it – in the morning as well. And it is needed after the hot night of love with Werner. After, she cannot resist going back to the bedroom again to wake up Werner. Both decide to pull off another quickie.

Shower Type 4 –
Werner (the backdoor man)

Werner showers after the quickie (around 10 am) while Tina is making breakfast. That happened quickly, and Tina is joining him in the shower. Werner is happy that he absorbed two blue pills before the quickie.

Shower Type 5 –
Tina (and the backdoor man)

Tina and Werner have a big problem when showering. It is called ‘Achim’ and is Werner’s Viagra-doped giant cock. Unfortunately, there is not enough room to shower in the small stall, which is why both unavoidably had to get it on on the shower mat until noon. ‘Achim’ is then gone and both can finally shower.

Shower Type 6 –
Rüdiger (the nighttime bus driver)

Rüdiger likes to shower around noon, he then either comes back from a hot night of love. Or, he has been through a foursome and is now showering with the three playmates. As an expert, Rüdiger has, needless to say, a magnum shower stall.

Shower Type 7 –
Tina‘s best friend (Uschi, with Tina and ‘Vibro-Achim’)

Uschi visits Tina around 13 am because she hoped that Wener is still there. However, he is asleep but due to exhaustion, and Tina shows Uschi her waterproof ‘Achim’ – a vibrating replica of Werner’s pride and joy. The two get in the shower full of expectations. Due to lack of a magnum-stall, they had to test ‘Vibro-Achim’ on the shower mat.

Shower Type 8 –
Werner (with Tina, Uschi, ‘Achim’, ‘Vibro-Achim’ and Rüdiger)

After Werner woke up in the early afternoon, the three of them decide that the bed is too small for Werner, Tina, Uschi, Achim and Vibro-Achim, and not to mention the shower stall. Therefore, all four are driving to Rüdiger, the nighttime bus driver. He invites all five into his magnum shower stall, where they are hitting it until the evening.

Shower Type 9 –
Harald (with Tina, Uschi, Werner, ‘Achim’, ‘Vibro-Achim’ and Rüdiger)

Harald is tired of using the bathroom at night in the empty apartment – his right arm still hurts terribly. Therefore, he goes to see Rüdiger, and now even the magnum shower is bursting at the seams. It does not matter, the seven experience that the evening shower upstages all the other types.

Caution: Women can gain a bit of weight when showering all together

Ex-FBI Boss Comey: “Aren’t we all a bit like Hitler?”

The sudden revelations of the FBI in the matter of email affair just before the presidential election are not an accident. Ex-FBI boss, James Comey was obviously politically much closer to Donald Trump than Hillary Clinton. Trump is a racist out of conviction und Comey is obviously in no way inferior to him.

Only in 2015, the then FBI Director in Washington held a speech about the always topical issue ‘Whacking Colored People’ and finally opened the eyes of the world: A little racism, as Comey’s words to that effect, is quite normal.

This does not only concern the police, but every person has unconsciously prejudices when standing in front of a black man. The FBI veteran knows, “People just react differently to a black face than a white one.”

We have held a fictitious short interview with the FBI boss after this speech and asked him a few questions about this baffling theory.

Satire brutally served: Mr. Comey, if you meet a person with a dark taint on the road – what thoughts spontaneously come to your mind?

James Comey: I cannot help but thinking ‘bimbo’!

Sbs: Isn’t that very politically incorrect?

JC: No, you wanted to know what spontaneously comes to my mind. And that’s ‚Bimbo‘. By the way, this goes for all people in the world, no matter what race they are!

Sbs: The swarthy are people too! Moreover, you claim that ‚Bimbo’ also spontaneously crosses their mind if they, for example, look in the mirror?

Sbs: Of course, or even ‚Nigger‘. They often call each other ‚Nigger’ when they are among themselves. So, is that politically correct?

Sks: If you meet the former president Barrack Obama, do you call him ‘Nigger’ as well?

JC: No, just ‚Bimbo’. We somehow have to distinguish ourselves from these ordinary vermin!

Sbs: Okay, let’s say you are traveling to Africa. As we know, the colored ones are significantly outnumbered there. What would you say if they would call you ‚Bimbo’ because you are white?

JC: They would never get that idea. They know exactly that only black people are ‚Bimbos’.

Sbs: And what do the Africans call you?

JC: White bread. Is that politically correct?

Sbs: Well, grub would be worse.

JC: Well, great, why not give them tips!

Sbs: Well, the term ‘Bimbo’ is one thing, but whacking poor people on every corner is another thing. Or does every person do that spontaneously as well?

JC: Alright, that may be a little exaggerated occasionally. I admit, beatings would probably be enough sometimes.

Sks: But beatings are already very common with the US police. But does the poor black guy, if already unconsciously laying on the ground, have to be ‘shot on the run’?

JC: That depends on the situation. But in principle, they are used to it by now and they basically don’t expect anything else.

Sbs: Then they probably don’t even investigate when the Al-Qaeda snuff Mr. Obama?

JC: Something like that would be somewhat dubious, they are just ordinary cameleers after all!

Sbs: Mr. Comey, thank you for the honest conversation.

Dear readers, you now know that Mr. Comey is not undeservingly considered a liberal in the United States…

Ex-FBI Boss James Comey – or „one of us,” as one cares to say in the US at the extremely dedicated ‘Ku Klux Klan’ organization.