The rocky path to the professional selfie

It had fundamentally changed the world when a resourceful mobile phone manufacturer in the desperate fight for market shares came up with the idea of installing a front camera in his mobile phone. As far as the eye can see, otherwise right-minded people flock together everywhere to take photos with a collective and totally stupid grin on their faces. No clique manages to spare itself, even complete strangers blatantly grin into the camera as soon as someone pulls out his mobile phone – sometimes even without any influence of alcohol or drugs.

In reality, however, the selfie is a tremendous achievement that is unfortunately still not accordingly appreciated by our fellow human beings. It takes a lot of effort to take a selfie – the more people are involved in it, the more inhuman is the tension of each individual participant.

The group-selfie shot by an expert divides into four phases:

Phase 1
Someone pulls out his cell-phone for a selfie. Every individual within the surrounding ten to 15 meters immediately jumps up to the cell phone owner with a spirited leap, and presses on him or someone who is already glued to him. The face muscles of everyone involved twist into an alleged smile. Here it shows the importance of the front camera of the cell phone because all the faces of the participants now appear on the display. At a glance, everyone sees that his grimace has little to do with a relaxed smile.

Phase 2
The first correction relaxes the facial muscles of the selfie-participants without decreasing the iron will to achieve a totally relaxed smile. The unabated motivation delves into the faces, but a certain optimism adds almost imperceptibly.

Phase 3
The effort is now gradually showing effect. In this phase, the strength of the facial muscles weakens, and the optimistic smile inevitably disappears. Despondency seizes the nearly exhausted participants.

Phase 4
The mobile phone owner must now step in to still force the success. He brings the participants to mobilize their last strengths by saying the magic words: „Watch the birdie?“. The nerve-racking tension is suddenly blown off. The faces now spontaneously twist into a relaxed, radiant smile…

The photos were re-enacted by Joshua Resnick (rez_art) and his selfie-tried top-models

The First Kiss – our Tips to the Success Guide from ‘Helpster’

The internet is so valuable for young people because they can find appropriate guides for everything. The popular service website ‚Helpster’ offers such a guide on the topic ‚Kissing’ and can be described as a real piece of life aid: How to prepare for the first kiss as a complete layman?

Let’s say you are a kissing-virgin, but you meet Heidi Klum and Angelina Jolie at the pedestrian zone. The two immediately start fighting over who gets to kiss you first. You remember just in time that you never kissed anyone, so your face turns red, then ashen, and eventually, you just run away screaming.

But not if you read the said kissing guide on Helpster. There, they explain to you that man and woman must be ready for the kissing premiere first.

For this reason, the guide recommends practicing with an innocent kiss on the cheek. Namely on the back of your hand. For this, you have to gently press your soft lips on the back of your hand, over and over again. Repeat this – according to the guide – until you have a special emotional experience.

If not, just skip to the French kiss. The guide recommends a dry run: You can practice the correct tongue movements when sucking on a piece of candy.

But after the third bag of candy at the latest, you go and look for the girl you always wanted to kiss. Before you meet this chick for this noble endeavor, remember, inexperienced kissers easily get disgusted because of the saliva that is inevitably transmitted during a real French kiss.

According to the guide, you have to thoroughly brush your teeth, shower, use deodorant, and so on before the kissing premiere. Then the sweet girl will probably survive the kiss. But, you must repeat the whole trip every time you want to kiss this chick again, but who would want that?

Our tip: Do the exact opposite: Toughen up your sweet girl! Don’t shower for three weeks and do not brush your teeth during this preparation period. And when the day comes, eat as much garlic and fresh onions as you can.

During the date, be at about a meter distance to the girl you want to kiss – make sure that you always have headwind – and put on your sweetest smile. Then you make a quick and surprising step towards the kiss aspirant and stick your tongue into her throat as deep as you can.

Firmly hold on the girl you are kissing so tenderly because her senses might fade with all this love. As soon as she becomes conscious again, massage her uvula with the tip of your tongue. She will then think that this is what gives her the urge to vomit.

Back to the guide. It recommends exploring the mouth and the tongue of the fair maiden. And for you to somewhat professionally perform this, you should practice this with a bowl of gummy bears. For this, you try and individually pick out all the gummy bears with the tip of your tongue.

Our tip: You should rather practice this with a live object. If you have followed our preparation, the sweet girl will be somewhat dazed as it is, and you have the opportunity to thoroughly comb through her mouth. If it tastes pretty sour, the kissed girl suffers from gastroesophageal reflux, or you have already reached her stomach.

Please always pay attention to the complexion of the fair maiden. If she turns blue, carefully remove your tongue from her air tube. If she is still knocked out, apply first aid. For this purpose, immediately free the patient from her constricting clothes and do a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You can also continue practice kissing at the same time…



This man is doing it right, he also frees himself from his own constricting clothes for the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because it makes the kiss expandable after a successful resuscitation…

The guide is real. Our tips are a satire. Using these in practice can have unpleasant consequences that we are not liable for.

Contribution from Volume 2 of the book series „Brutally Tips to survive in everyday life“ (appearing in the spring of 2018)

„Marriage for all”: Why the Catholic church benefits most from it!

Heiner Koch, who is Catholic and the Archbishop of Berlin, wants to open our eyes: The „Marriage for all,” he says, isn’t as great as everyone thinks. It only takes two to make a baby – a man and a woman. The rest will be frustrated and jealous.

Well. Let’s take a look at the catholic members of the clergy; Those clergymen are necessarily gay. They aren’t allowed to even think about women or else the celibacy will instantly hellishly prick them.

After the foundation of the church, the then brand new Catholic religion was supposed to spread rapidly, and this required some bashers because nobody really had an itch for the unworldly Catholicism without brute force. Instead, the guys would rather chase the girls as it was the only worthwhile pastime since TV and internet were still kind of new back then. So the girls were put into a monastery, and the „marriage for nobody” (who wasn’t participating in the subjugation of countless infidel barbarians) was invented.

However, the smart ones rather became clerics, because then they were able to try out the „marriage for all” – even though it was on the quiet. It was pretty handy back then because, at the many monasteries where all the male and female clerics lived together, they were doing it all day long without having to fear further obligations.

When the barbarian bashers then came back and wanted to pick up one of the girls from the monastery, each one of them already had a bunch of kids. In the heat of battle, it was somehow missed to invent the pills.

The complaints piled up so that the church introduced separate monasteries for men and woman and – at the latest after the invention of the rope ladder – invented the tiresome celibacy.

This obviously didn’t work out for the Catholic intercourse preventers. Neither crusades nor the burning of witches helped; the abundance of children could only be contained with the regulation that as soon as the last nun was pregnant, they were all sent away and the monastery closed.

Just like Heiner Koch, our Berlin Archbishop, the popes, and cardinals could not be unsold on the opinion that a child could only be made by a father who practiced the “marriage for two” with a mother. However, this restriction does not exist in reality. On the contrary: Wild marriages and gang bangs were much better suited to dramatically boost the abundance of children. Because when everyone did it with everyone, the girls were practically permanently in „joyful expectation.”

The „marriage for two” could only be kept alive through same-sex love. Because the Catholic church is – thanks to celibacy – the last stronghold of old-fashioned relationships. But is it worth it to breed gays against the will of something so outrageously perverted as the celibacy?

Let’s be honest: Nobody can draw greater benefits from the „marriage for all than the Catholic church itself. Instead of closing down the nun monasteries because all of the nuns are pregnant, the girls could collectively enter the “marriage for all” – with the involvement of the neighboring monastery for men, where the biological fathers of the common offspring are waiting with clenched fists…

Today’s nuns are not as careworn as they used to – who wouldn’t want to become a monk, considering the marriage for everyone…?

Why banks should not be entitled to recover lent money

Say goodbye to the world you know – It no longer exists!

To this day, students of Economics learn that money is ‚created’ (produce) by the Central Banks. According to that, our people’s banks only lend the savings of their customers or have to borrow money from the Central Banks. We learn at an early age that people aren’t allowed to produce money. In reality, everything is completely different, and our whole money system is nothing but monumental bullshit!

Because as it turned out in the trial at the South Tyrolean Regional Court in Bolzano, the South Tyrolean Volksbank produced their own money and lent it as loans. The South Tyrolean Volksbank openly admitted this at the court. And not only that; According to the SCC, each and every small Volksbank or Sparkasse has been producing money for a long time – on a large scale. Of course, large banks do it too – on an even larger scale.

Banks are able to make money themselves because there is apparently no law that prohibits banks from doing so. Perhaps now you understand why our politicians want to abolish cash completely. Because, theoretically it would be possible that all borrowers want to have their loan paid out in cash – this would inevitably burst the monstrous air bubble of self-made money. And of course, this practice, which is so pleasant for banks, also has its disadvantages.

Bank failures, state bankruptcies, etc. have only become possible because banks permanently help themselves. The value of a currency is dramatically reduced because of the „virtual money“ and has to be stabilized with dangerous tricks. If this goes wrong just like it did a few years ago, the taxpayers have to save the banks (or states).

Since this practice keeps increasing the world’s debt, taxpayers will no longer be able to pay the horrendous debt one day. However, banks should not be entitled to recover the money from their self-created loans. A number of lawyers believe that this is a logical consequence of the do-it-yourself money creation of our banks.

On November 13th, 2016, the German newspaper „Die Welt“ wrote a very interesting article about this practice of the banks. Other newspapers reported on the trial in Bolzano and the money production of the banks as well. Now, you can no longer find a single word about it in the media. A search on Google only resulted in blog articles.

In their now-missing report, „Die Welt“ compared the international situation with a group of people who were standing on a beach as if paralyzed, even though they knew that a tsunami would come to devour all of them…

Why Wikipedia is a misandrist bunch

In a large German daily newspaper, a (male) editor was complaining that Wikipedia was a sexist men club because the guy had searched for a list of German poetesses in the internet lexicon, but the information was very sparse.

When he then called up the list of porn stars, he came up with whole myriads of these nice ladies, neatly sorted by alphabet and with detailed information about everything the babes have already done.

Unfortunately, this editor does not seem to have any clue how online encyclopedias work, otherwise he would have saved himself the trouble of writing the article. Because the entries there are simply directed to the relevance. And nowadays, nobody gives a damn about German poetesses; porn stars are much more popular.

It was by no means intended by God that Wikipedia is helplessly dominated by men – apparently, the proportion of men there is 90 percent. Anyone can use Wikipedia, also and especially women who are interested in German poetesses.

So, if then myriads of German women who are interested in Germanic lyricists sacrifice a bit of their time and collaborate with Wikipedia, they cannot only meticulously complete the list of poetesses and publish everything worth knowing about each of those individuals, but also really coolly mention that the inventions of the Austrian Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler made practical things such as Bluetooth or Wi-Fi possible, and – apropos of nothing – that she, professionally known as Hedy Lamarr, was the first actress imitating an orgasm during a love scene in a movie.

The aforementioned editor criticized the fact that the woman’s achievements as an actress were mentioned in the first sentence of her Wikipedia biography, but her breakthrough inventions only in the second.

But – to comfort the poor man a little – Hedy Lamarr did not only become a world star in 1933 because of the imitated orgasm, which the gifted actress conjured on the screen with remarkably real moans and facial expressions, but with some luck, she could be also accepted on the detailed Wikipedia list of the porn actresses because of it.

We would also like to point out here that Hedy Lamarr’s film partner, who had bravely worked on the orgasm as well, was not mentioned in Wikipedia at all. How misandrous is that? And since we’re already on it: When searching for the list of male porn stars on the German Wikipedia, it only says: „The article ‚List of Male Porn Stars‘ does not exist on German Wikipedia.“

It actually doesn’t exist on the English Wikipedia either. And why not? Because our girls do not contribute to Wikipedia because only women are interested in the male actors when watching porn…


Inventor Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler, better known as Hedy Lamarr, here in the Hollywood film ‚The Conspirators‘…


This is the well-known porn starring Kirsten Price from the detailed Wikipedia list

Why German-Turks have a better survival chance than CDU officials

The Arabs have always suffered from the unswerving expansion will of the Turks. The stronger Turkey is, the more stricken are the Arabs. And what does „Shit, totally botched – now we are really fucked!“ translate to in Arabic? „Fakkh! Fakkh! Fakkh!“ This is what the Arabs have been saying for thousands of years, namely, every time the Turks “built another Turk.“ This time he is called Erdogan and was elected as a Pasha by the German-Turks at a memorable referendum – with the possibility to get promoted to „Sultan“ (at the next referendum, which won’t be long in coming).

Now virtually anyone (except the AfD) knows that most of the Turks live in Turkey. Just how did the German-Turks at the referendum manage for Erdogan to become Pasha now? Where every decent Turk in Turkey pukes out their gut when the Despot shows up?

Simple, the German-Turks have voted for the „Erdocraze“ at the referendum. They are, in fact, numerous enough, because in Turkey the ballots were already stamped with „Yes, we absolutely want Erdogan to bring us problems every day until we finally don’t know what hit us!“ Of course, the „Erdoganian“ policy would be hard to take otherwise.

The German Turks don’t have to do that anyway, because they live in Germany and are spoiled by the Green Party, especially by Claudia Roth, who will finally get a German-Turkish passport soon. No, not a Turkish one. She does not want to go to Turkey, just as the German-Turks.

They like living in Germany and tell each other all day long how nice Turkey actually is (compared to Germany) and that they want to go back some day. Just not in this life.

Erdogan’s policy can be easily tolerated in Germany. Especially if you can be sure that Merkel will disappear someday too. The CDU must manage to do this quickly. Because there is an old custom among the Despots.

In previous times, there was a widespread custom that the ruler was given his servants and playmates for him to take them to the huge vault. If they were still alive, it didn’t matter (to the ruler), because this would take care of itself.

Well, and what will become of the many sycophants of the CDU at the final departure of Merkel? If we were them, we would rather not take a risk…


Pasha Erdogan – well on the way to becoming Sultan

How the last secret weapon of the Bolshevism will destroy us

The year is 1989: the GDR government is at an end; the Soviet Union is about to come. A crisis meeting of the ‘hard Kerns’ of the Socialist German Unity Party (SED) takes place in East Berlin. An emissary, who is a top agent of the KGB Soviet Secret Service from the powerful brother state Soviet Union, inconspicuously sits beside the GDR superiors. After a brief address by Erich Honecker, the prospects were expectantly eying the Russians. He bends forward a little, smiles mischievously, and says in polished German: „Dear comrades, it is known that the socialism is in a bad way, we are losing money, and thus we are losing the arms race against the capitalists in the long run. But we will be victorious in the end!“

Sounds like the usual rallying calls, and the dark faces of the GDR-sizes speak for itself. But the KGB man continues unwaveringly: We have cloned a super-being from the heritage of the best who will execute our revenge. The genes of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao TseTung and Ho Chi Minh ensure the genuine communist spirit, the genotypes of Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan make him invincible, and a little of Arnold Schwarzenegger ensures a minger that gives the needed respect to our secret weapon.

The Intelligence Officer looks triumphantly into the round: „IT is already there, ready to strike. And now we are coming to the evil plan that this Super Being is going to observe!“

1. The quick way to power.

After the unavoidable reunification of the two German states, IT goes to Germany, enters the CDU, and surreptitiously gains the confidence of the Federal Chancellor Helmut Kohl, then IT pays a double-digit million amount (from secret Soviet stocks) to the arms dealer Karlheinz Schreiber for him to rat out the black money coffers of Kohl and thus sets off a crushing party donation affair. Now IT can quietly prepare its own seizure of power. At first, IT makes itself indispensable within the CDU, will be chancellor candidate and finally takes over the chancellor’s office.

2. The energy transformation.

HIS first great coup as German Chancellor: the destruction of affordable energy. IT will shut down all nuclear power plants; electricity will only be generated from „renewable energies“ – mainly wind turbines and solar technology. In the exultation of the nuclear opponents, it unfortunately goes down that the mass of small consumers will pay for the conversion. Because for the economy not to protest, it gets special conditions and barely shells out anything. No wonder the corporations eat from the palm of HIS hand. Drunk off the supposed victory, the party „Alliance 90 /The Greens“ finally farewells goals such as animal protection, environmental protection, and landscape protection. Meanwhile, windmills are messing up the landscape and shred millions of birds.

3. The financial crisis.

Even Stalin was already aware that banking activities in the USA are superficial. But he could not gain any capital from it. The guys from the KGB planted the solution in the brain of the gene-doped super monster when it was activated. IT now ensures that the foul bank gambles are busted over a huge network of top-notch secret agents, triggering the world’s most horrendous financial crisis ever.

4. The devaluation of the European currency.

Once the euro is introduced as a Community currency in Europe, IT will ensure that the European Central Bank is taken over by some financial terrorist. He devaluates the currency completely, and even introduces minus interest rates, so the German depositors are ruined. This is particularly perfidious because saving is knowingly the life purpose of all Germans. Thus, the optimism of the honest German citizen suddenly deflates.

5. The total war.

IT cleverly ensures that brutal and despotic Sunni terrorist militias are financed by Saudi Arabia attack various Arab states, forcing Iran to provide military assistance to the Shiites. A rarely brutal war between Muslims of the various religion orientation flares up. The civilians flee from the war zones in bright piles. IT lets anyone cross the German border who wants to enter under the pretext of helping these refugees. That way, millions of criminals and hundreds of thousands of terrorists of the evilest kind come into the country besides the refugees and terrorize the population and the German police. Meanwhile, IT removes the police’s means and reduces the number of police officers to the inefficiency of the whole apparatus.

The criminals among the immigrants rob and rape German women at will – the terrorists are massacring the people at every corner. Besides their savings, the Germans lose a second high good: the security and safety of the protection of the state.

6. The destruction of the Bundeswehr.

After destroying the police, IT now also destroys the power of the German Bundeswehr by simply removing all financial contributions. IT makes a housewife the Minister of Defense because IT knows that the experienced Mommy Ursula von der Leyen will only encourage soldiers to picnics and walks, the ‚useless‘ assault rifles will be sent them back to the manufacturer with the excuse that the soldiers are constantly missing their targets. Since the planes and helicopters no longer fly, and tanks and ships no longer have any significant function that could be used for defense, Mrs. von der Leyen will fill them with flower soil and put them by the borders so that they send visitors into rapture with the specially planted flowers.

The genius ’security plan‘ of the kooky Defense Minister, which she will publish (upon HIS advice) in the next Safety White Book, will ensure „victory all along the line,“ because as soon as the Sunni terror militias are defeated by the Western alliance, they will appear at the German borders. There, these guys will be so enthusiastic about the dear greeting that they spontaneously hide their weapons to apply for asylum in Germany. This means that German finances will be completely out of control. Basically, there won’t be any money for anything else.

7. The destruction of the German streets.

The roads in Germany have not been maintained since IT took over. IT has withdrawn all the means for many years. The potholes are now so large that you could easily hide a Leopard II battle tank in each one of them. After the traffic has to drive three times as many kilometers just by going around the potholes and the fuel consumption increased furiously, the streets will be repaired after all anyways. And all at once, so that the murderous congestions are causing irreversible chaos. However, if the streets are filled with standing vehicles, they cannot be repaired. This means that the German economy is practically no longer able to transport its produced goods to the customer.

8. The destruction of the German economy.

It is convenient that workers no longer manage to get to work because the roads are blocked and the public passenger traffic is overflowing, you could only stuff the additional passengers into the trains and street cars with shoehorns. If the guys (and chicks) ever get out of there again, they have infected themselves with every imaginable plague thanks to the many asylum seekers from Arabia and Africa and can only try to crawl to the nearest hospital.

The already rotten health insurance companies will inevitably collapse when faced with such a rise in costs. Of course, the plagued people are stacking in the hospital beds, but doctors and nursing staff are either still stuck in the public transportation and/or are already infected themselves.

This means that Germany is completely excluded as the financier of the European Union and the economy of Europe collapses. There is nothing left, no goods, no food, but the epidemics from Germany are escalating to Europe. Britain as an island considers itself safe from the European collapse. But what do they want to live of? Whom do they want to sell their goods to? All of Europe is in a coma!

9. The destruction of the USA.

The United States of America still could now be an aid to the desperate Brits. But now ITS agents put the idea of becoming president in the head of a crazy billiard-heavy bogey with an over-sized toupee, which also succeeded because IT manipulated the counting in many important federal states and gave a bad name to the opponent of the Democrats with a fake beefed-up scandal at the same time. The psychopath – manipulated by HIM – now wants to build a wall at the border to Mexico and kiss up to the super-rich by relieving them of the tax burden – at the expense of the persons on average wages and the unemployed. They now have nothing left to eat and no money, but a lot of weapons and the right to carry them. The Civil War inevitably breaks out in America. The Mexicans – angry because of the wall plans – take advantage of the hour and declare war on the United States.

Since everyone in the US has as many weapons as he can carry, the otherwise successful Marines are in over their head against the millions of angry and armed to the teeth civilians and the stinging Mexican Arm. In the face of the threat, the super-rich people are moving back to their bomb-proof luxury bunkers. Meanwhile, IT has a monstrous bomb fired in the Yellowstone Park, which supposedly has a super-volcano lurking underneath. It is now erupting, and that’s the end of the American dream.

10. IT.

The KGB man triumphantly looks into the round. However, the GDR is not fully convinced yet. Erich Honecker twangs unamused: „The GDR citizens that we have been fooling for years are already on the streets, they will lynch us and the cloned monster too!“

The man in the simple brown loden coat still smiles. He snaps his fingers, and one of the present Russian soldiers goes into the next room. He comes back shortly afterward, but not alone. He is holding the hand of a strange figure, it is inconspicuous, almost bland, and with deep, horribly drawn down mouth corners. IT looks at the audience and says with a stiff expression and without any emotion: „We can do it.“ The Russian stops smiling. He points at the pale shape with its hanging shoulders and rigid soulless gaze with a grim expression. Then he says: „This high being is the flesh-born victory of Bolshevism! The angry protesters might lynch you, dear comrades. But IT will destroy the West just like I described because IT seems like a poor sod, no one thought IT was capable of doing anything negative, and everyone involuntary feels pity for IT!“

Erich Mielke walks forward and looks into ITS staring eyes, then asks: „Does IT have a name?“ The KGB agent shrugs his shoulders. Then he takes a phone book, opens it in the middle, places his finger somewhere on the page without looking. Then he looks at the name and says, „Okay, IT is called ‚Merkel‘!“

After all these prophecies – some of which actually have happened already – we are now daring to prognosticate how this story will probably end for the world:

11. The worst is yet to come.

Russian President Vladimir Putin takes over the leadership of the remaining world. Merkel, who has now returned to Moscow in the meantime, is protesting: „There is no longer any trace of Bolshevism left in Russia,“ IT says, „so my mission is by no means finished!“ But Putin’s big dog keeps IT in check, and his master says with a broad grin: „Merkel, I am the one who determines now what Bolshevism is!”

12. Can the world be saved?

Of course, the story above is only made up but unfortunately ‘Merkel’s’ policy isn’t. When our democracy was still working, we had the possibility to simply choose another party in the next election.

But today, there is only the AfD on the right whose strong right wing already shows disgusting fascist tendencies. The ‚established‘ parties (CDU/CSU, SPD, FDP, Alliance 90/The Greens, The Left Party) are in the center, which are practically interchangeable without any change in the bourgeoisie politics. To the left is a yawning vacuum.

A functioning democracy includes an alert and critical media. When you open the newspaper, you will find that all of them say the same thing. A monotonous governmental-uncritical mash of political correctness, as if everything here is always okay because we have effective anti-corruption laws.

When nobility still ruled in the less delightful Europe of earlier centuries, the subjects were allowed to submit petitions. The ruler looked at the wishes of the people, and he graciously listened to it if he was in a good mood and one of the requests was modest enough.

This beautiful old custom has been dug out again. We could start a petition at ChangeOrg, and if enough people sign it and our politicians are in a good mood, they may decide for or against a law. With the highly dangerous trade CETA agreement, which almost exclusively brings disadvantages to the consumer, all politicians were in a bad mood, and we now have the shit on our hands. But that’s just how our moody German democracy is.

If you find a few new parties on the electoral roll during the Bundestag election in September that you don’t know ad nauseam, look at them more closely or read their programs. If you find a liberal, socially-minded party that stands for „democracy with more citizen participation,“ „direct elections“ and generally for „more closeness to citizens,“ give them a shot. Then our democracy may be a bit less moody in the future …


But don’t worry, even if Merkel has avenged the GDR…


…IT won’t have to sit begging on the street…