The First Kiss – our Tips to the Success Guide from ‘Helpster’

The internet is so valuable for young people because they can find appropriate guides for everything. The popular service website ‚Helpster’ offers such a guide on the topic ‚Kissing’ and can be described as a real piece of life aid: How to prepare for the first kiss as a complete layman?

Let’s say you are a kissing-virgin, but you meet Heidi Klum and Angelina Jolie at the pedestrian zone. The two immediately start fighting over who gets to kiss you first. You remember just in time that you never kissed anyone, so your face turns red, then ashen, and eventually, you just run away screaming.

But not if you read the said kissing guide on Helpster. There, they explain to you that man and woman must be ready for the kissing premiere first.

For this reason, the guide recommends practicing with an innocent kiss on the cheek. Namely on the back of your hand. For this, you have to gently press your soft lips on the back of your hand, over and over again. Repeat this – according to the guide – until you have a special emotional experience.

If not, just skip to the French kiss. The guide recommends a dry run: You can practice the correct tongue movements when sucking on a piece of candy.

But after the third bag of candy at the latest, you go and look for the girl you always wanted to kiss. Before you meet this chick for this noble endeavor, remember, inexperienced kissers easily get disgusted because of the saliva that is inevitably transmitted during a real French kiss.

According to the guide, you have to thoroughly brush your teeth, shower, use deodorant, and so on before the kissing premiere. Then the sweet girl will probably survive the kiss. But, you must repeat the whole trip every time you want to kiss this chick again, but who would want that?

Our tip: Do the exact opposite: Toughen up your sweet girl! Don’t shower for three weeks and do not brush your teeth during this preparation period. And when the day comes, eat as much garlic and fresh onions as you can.

During the date, be at about a meter distance to the girl you want to kiss – make sure that you always have headwind – and put on your sweetest smile. Then you make a quick and surprising step towards the kiss aspirant and stick your tongue into her throat as deep as you can.

Firmly hold on the girl you are kissing so tenderly because her senses might fade with all this love. As soon as she becomes conscious again, massage her uvula with the tip of your tongue. She will then think that this is what gives her the urge to vomit.

Back to the guide. It recommends exploring the mouth and the tongue of the fair maiden. And for you to somewhat professionally perform this, you should practice this with a bowl of gummy bears. For this, you try and individually pick out all the gummy bears with the tip of your tongue.

Our tip: You should rather practice this with a live object. If you have followed our preparation, the sweet girl will be somewhat dazed as it is, and you have the opportunity to thoroughly comb through her mouth. If it tastes pretty sour, the kissed girl suffers from gastroesophageal reflux, or you have already reached her stomach.

Please always pay attention to the complexion of the fair maiden. If she turns blue, carefully remove your tongue from her air tube. If she is still knocked out, apply first aid. For this purpose, immediately free the patient from her constricting clothes and do a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You can also continue practice kissing at the same time…

This man is doing it right, he also frees himself from his own constricting clothes for the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because it makes the kiss expandable after a successful resuscitation…

The guide is real. Our tips are a satire. Using these in practice can have unpleasant consequences that we are not liable for.

Contribution from Volume 2 of the book series “Brutally Tips to survive in everyday life” (appearing in the spring of 2018)